I stood up and a chip flew out of my shirt and landed in the chip dish. I just walked away.
listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
oh hey just found a glowstick in my tits. fuck yes new years eve
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
captain&coke to the library. STAT. this is an emergency. this is not a drill. I repeat: THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
Randomize
