I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I have two girls sleeping in my bed naked and I ended up making it to class, what were you saying about staying in on the weekdays?
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.
Birthday success
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
Randomize
