if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
I walked home with him, but I had to pee...so I did...as we walked. He was so drunk he didn't even notice. Good thing I was in a dress.
We should buy t shirt guns and blow eggs out of them at his house. Bachelorette party
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
Randomize
