Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I'm currently in h&m wondering "what exactly is the class level of a swingers resort?"
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Randomize
