im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
That level of neurosis does not find love outside of Grey's Anatomy.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
All I know is it had something to do with a plunger and tuna salad. I'm done. I'm quitting my job.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
shes trying to book us all flights to Ireland..I let her get mine and yours but stopped her when she tried booking the guy next to her at the library
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
lol hangovers are for mortals.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
