I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
idk about you, but when i sext i just hit em with the "yo lets bang" text
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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