I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
