i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
At the hair cuttery. A father here with his daughter just answered his phone "ken's whorehouse"...Now I remember why I used to pay more for haircuts.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
What happens at the gay bar stays at the gay bar. Except that I sold my panties for $100. People should know that.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
Do you feel better now that you've sent me a picture of your dick?
Yep.
I took a dab in Denver and was I. Rocky Mountain national park almost to Wyoming before I realized I missed my turn.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
Randomize
