I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Ahaah! I just stole batteries from work for my vibrator. I am that person.
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