why the FUCK would i wear makeup on my vagina!?
note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I ended up at these random girls' house they are smoking weed out of a gun
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
The name of the man in your bed is not Ryan. I can't remember what his name is but that is wrong
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
His sister gave me the "if you hurt him I will break your neck" talk. I didn't know how to tell her we're not a couple.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
