Doing final review now. Then epic shit. Then going to take it. Should start it be 1030. Done by 2. Drunk by 3. Hammered by 4. Blacked out by 5. Streaking by 6. Jail sometime after that
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
Dont worry bro, i'll be the designated kayaker. I wouldnt want u to be drinking and kayaking.
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
