Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
Randomize
