god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
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