there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
You don't have to have sex with both if us but I would like a little positive fucking regard.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
