i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
my fraternity brothers just had an intervention for me. i either have a problem or am just on some next-level shit, im gonna go with door number 2
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
It's annoying. I only date people who are 6 foot 3, drug dealers, or 2 years older than me.
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I cant believe you bit her ass cheek, she must have been really weirded out.
yeah so we made out to make it less awkward
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
