allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
After this weekend, it looks come this holiday season I'll be walking in a winter abortionland.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I'll be an awkward "I've had the grooms penis in my mouth" presence and we can party our nipples off.
Randomize
