the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
just threw up what i'm pretty sure look like contents of a lava lamp
I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.
They're tearing apart the house I lost my virginity in:(
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
That man fucks like a champ. The sex was so good I did him again in the morning just to be sure
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