I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
She thought someone was breaking in but when I said it was me she got even angrier and threw a coffee mug at my head.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
He hasn't texted me back since last week when we sexted. I think telling him I wanted to choke him with chains was a bit much for our first time.
And it was in that moment when I realized that these high schoolers looked up to me and that I should set a good example. So I stole a casserole and left.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
