My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I'm a sociology major remember
Well that and comm
Basically you majored in how to get laid
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
Randomize
