Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
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