I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
I'm not about to serve this country to fuckin not have rum and cheezits for breakfast
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize
