I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?
...did you eat that brownie?
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
WHY IS SHE PANDERING YOU, A SIMPLE GOBLIN, TINY WEENER PICTURES OVER STATE LINES
Lo siento on account of my penis...
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
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