it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
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What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I got shot at last night. Lesson about married chicks: learned.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
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You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
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