Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
I admit I fucked your best friend, but to be fair, you fucked the tristate area. So there's a good chance about 40% of those people are MY friends.
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
