honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i wish there was a holiday celebrated with pizza eating
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
She said I told her "I'm to drunk to take your bra off." then she said I walked out completely naked to go watch tv.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Just got a snapchat from him that was a video of with the caption "my new apartment" in Brazil. I think we might not be seeing eachother anymore.
Is it weird that the girl I'm fucking just wished me luck on my date tonight?
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
