i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
And by hung out you mean you were in my bed for 5 minutes while your penis was in my mouth.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
I woke up to her screaming at the various pictures of nutsacks she found on her camera
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
so hungover. i just puked at the sight of the beer emoticon you sent me.
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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