I think I have internal bruising from those poses we were doing last night. My own ribs hurt me. I don't understand.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
You know you started drinking too early in the day when you have a hangover at midnight
thats called having FUN
Randomize
