the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
i just used my scantron for my final to make paper shotglasses. i'd say i passed in flying colors.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
At least I look tastefully trashed. My nipples are hidden and I'm standing up.
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Did you make it home alright?
No I'm sitting under a tree by a cricket. He's alone crying out for someone to Fuck him. This guy gets me.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
Randomize
