We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
Perfect. Let's do that. I'm thinking everclear and green dye as our base. We shud start from there
you did that thing you do when youre drunk where you rant about bruce springsteen, start hooking up with someone and then pass out midway through
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
Randomize
