bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
Girls should come with a carfax report
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
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