this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
