I know right? mind you this is the same woman who told me when I was 12 that oral sex just meant talking dirty
It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Randomize
