i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Randomize
