i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
Randomize
