I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I wonder what it would be like to be a slice of cheese.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
