exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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