I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
They left me at home... I'm a liability
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
