We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Randomize
