I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
carls jr on main st. japanese tourist taking a dump in the urinal. reading a japanese newspaper and wearing a full suit.
be there in 3 mins
I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
is 250 jello shots considered an open container?
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
Randomize
