i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Randomize
