I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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