pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
I was taking a bath and he burst in, sat down and started taking a shit. RIGHT BESIDE ME. My lack of privacy astounds me.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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