I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
He just unloaded a dump truck full of red flags on my head.
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