no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I JUST WANTED TO GET SOME MOTHER FUCKING TACOS I AM SINGLE AS FUCK TACOS BRING PREOPLE TOGETHER OKAY
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
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