Do you still have your period?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
Every time I hang out with your gay friend, I have to make a checklist of words to look up when I get home. First Google of the night? "Power bottom."
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
Opportunity cost of getting to econ after a night on the town > marginal benefit of attending class
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
