Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
Hey do you think you can sew an adult onsie with easy access if you know what I mean!!?? It must have bunny feet.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
So I just went to 3 different stores because there is no way I can walk out of one store with this many reeses and still have my pride.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
I can always see lesbian subplot. It's my hero ability.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Kids parked next to me are getting it on. I'm eating chicken nuggets listening to Kanye alone. Happy Valentine's Day.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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