dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I just saw that blonde chick you wanna bang rolling down the hall wearing a Thor mask..
Wow. We're meant to be..
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
It's the third day of class and I got told I smell like a distillery.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
And, by “make you dinner” I mean “have lots of sex and multiple orgasms.” So you should probably eat something and before you come over
And hydrate too
Randomize
