forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Oh and jess is gonna pee in our guest bedroom to mark her territory.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I accidentally kneed him in the balls while trying to straddle him so we ended up spending the night watching ffm porn online
I burned myself with a joint twice in one sitting I have to say that's a new record for the least number of times I have hurt myself while smoking.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
