My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Haha. I got you. I always pay you back somehow. Do you accept all major forms of payment: cash, taco bell, and patriotic underwear?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
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