I wish I could punch you in the face.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Right now, I'm sitting in my room, drinking beer, eating double stuff Oreos, taking bites straight from a block of cheese, and watching Anchor Man 2 trailers. Finals week at its finest
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
