I wish you wouldn't refer to your breast milk as "ammunition"
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
But I mean how many guys can say they get blow jobs and grilled cheese with football
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
Randomize
