You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I found your knife. It was stuck in my bedroom ceiling.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
