Sorry, I don't speak sober.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
It's like the drive of shame on fucking Christmas. Happy birthday Jesus
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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