If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I am engaged
To a real live girl that has met me
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Randomize
