thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
