we're chasing vodka with high fives
so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse
so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
He got naked and made a run for the door so I had to stop him.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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