your parents love me but you hate me
I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
he wanted me to dress up like someone from lord of the rings. I dumped him.
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
if it makes u feel better, i skipped class so i could go to a sex convention in jersey a few hours earlier than if i went to class.
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
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