One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
you were definitelymotorboating random chicks as they walked out of the bar. just like, down the line. you kept yelling "Motor Boats for everyone!!!!"
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
I KEEP THINKING INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL THOUGHTS ABOUT YOU AND I AM SORRY.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
