I feel like I'm in dance class right now
I think im pregnant
I think you have the wrong number
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Lol. I get my husbands paycheck every week. Immediate deposit into my purse next to his balls.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
