So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
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My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
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IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I had a drink called "the white nun." It tasted like Marshmallows, and celibacy.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
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