i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
They took my balls.
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
She has dubbed herself the Pied Piper of Penis and keeps yelling about getting Cocktober started... Will send pix soon
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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