is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...
Well for better or worse the home brew is almost done, want to get drunk/loose your sight tonight?
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
