I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
So how often do you needs to see my tits today then?
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
