Fun fact: he pulled out my nuva ring while he was fingering me.. he looked really confused at me and it a couple of times, so i just said "surprise! not only is it good for pleasure, it's also really handy for storing plastic toys." I'm thinking he's definately gonna call.
well apparently i yelled MY VAGINA WAS ANNIHILATED and his whole family heard
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
So I just watched a seagul attack my boss and steal his food in the parking lot. Today might not be a bad day lmfao.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
Randomize
